The Long, Short, and Tall of Narcissism
© J. Francois Barnard – 25 December 2024
I encountered narcissistic personality disorder early in my life but had no name for it. So, by the early 2000s, when my sister-in-law told me to google the topic, I was surprised, relieved, and intrigued. "So this is what has been going on all my life!" I had been battered and bruised by a narcissist, but suddenly, life handed me a handle on the situation, and I could manage it.
I made an in-depth study of this topic. I read about it in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV), published by the American Psychiatric Association in 1994 and was amazed to see how accurate the description of the narcissist in my life was.
The term "narcissist" originates from Greek mythology, specifically from the story of Narcissus, a character renowned for his extraordinary beauty. The myth is most famously recounted in Book 3 of Ovid's Metamorphoses.
The Myth of Narcissus
Narcissus was a handsome young man who was so proud and self-absorbed that he scorned anyone who loved him. According to the myth, the gods punished his vanity by making him fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. Unable to tear himself away, he either wasted away from longing or, in some versions, fell into the water and drowned.
In his place, a flower bloomed — what we now call the narcissus flower (commonly known as the daffodil).
Psychological Adoption of the Term
The term "narcissism" was first used in a psychological context by Havelock Ellis in the late 19th century to describe excessive self-admiration and fixation on oneself.
Sigmund Freud later expanded on the concept in his theories of personality, using "narcissism" to describe a stage of child development and later as a pathology when self-love becomes maladaptive.
Thus, the word "narcissist" carries its roots from Greek mythology, where the tragic story of Narcissus symbolises the dangers of excessive self-love and self-absorption.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is characterised by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV), published by the American Psychiatric Association in 1994, outlines nine specific criteria for diagnosing NPD. An individual must exhibit at least five of the following traits:
Grandiose sense of self-importance: Exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognised as superior without commensurate accomplishments.
Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
Belief that they are "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions.
Requires excessive admiration.
Sense of entitlement: Unreasonable expectations of especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations.
Interpersonally exploitative: Takes advantage of others to achieve their own ends.
Lacks empathy: Unwilling to recognise or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
Often envious of others or believe that others are envious of them.
Shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes.
These criteria are detailed in the DSM-IV, which was the authoritative guide for diagnosing mental disorders prior to the year 2000 (American Psychiatric Association, 1994).
Dr Sam Vaknin's contribution to NPD Research
Dr Sam Vaknin's contribution to the NPD research was to refer to three elements:
The Narcissist
We identify the narcissist by the nine points listed above. Statistics from earlier studies showed that 75% of narcissists are male, and 25% are female. Also, they claimed that 0.75% of the global population displayed narcissistic tendencies. However, I do not believe these statistics are accurate anymore.
The Inverted-Narcissist
The term "Inverted Narcissist" refers to an individual who is thought to derive their sense of self-worth from their relationship with a narcissist, often exhibiting dependent behaviours that complement the narcissist's traits. This concept was introduced by Sam Vaknin, who describes the inverted narcissist as someone who seeks relationships with narcissists to fulfil their own emotional needs (LaRoche, 2016).
My observation is that the inverted narcissist is usually a spouse who fell for the initial charismatic charm of the narcissist but was later diminished to become a slave to the narcissist’s constant need for admiration, which is part of the Narcissistic Supply. This is the person who sacrifices their own lives, dreams and personalities to support the narcissist. Many cannot keep it up and break free.
The Narcissistic Supply
Narcissistic Supply denotes the attention, admiration, and affirmation that individuals with NPD seek from others to bolster their self-esteem. Narcissists often rely on this external validation to maintain their self-image (Mitra et al., 2024)
Over 20 years ago, during my correspondence with Dr. Sam Vaknin, he agreed with many of my observations about narcissism. However, he never gave insight into the disorder's origins and maintained that there was no cure. His advice was simple: accept narcissists as they are and learn to live with them.
I disagree. Narcissism is a learned behaviour and, like all learned behaviours, can change. Change is not easy, but it is possible with awareness, effort, and the right interventions.
In the video below, Dr. Vaknin provides further insights into the concept of the inverted narcissist.
Personal Observations
Today, narcissism has become a buzzword, often used carelessly. It’s commonly attributed to social media users who post selfies or boast about seemingly inflated lifestyles. However, such displays of confidence or self-promotion are not necessarily indicative of NPD. Many teenagers, for example, may exhibit self-centered behavior as a natural phase of development, but this is far from the deep-seated traits of someone with NPD.
My understanding of NPD profoundly changed my life. It allowed me to recognise the lies my narcissistic father had told to and about me. As my soul began to heal, my self-esteem improved, and I found the strength to view him more objectively. Over time, I was able to forgive him for the pain he caused me.
For seven years our relationship was entirely severed. The lack of contact was divinely orchestrated, giving me the space I needed to heal. After years of separation, another miracle occurred — we reunited and began to rebuild our relationship. With the pain and frustration I once harboured now gone, I made room for empathy and love.
By then, my father was older, widowed, and in poor emotional health. Our roles reversed as I stepped in to help him manage his farm and finances. Though he remained a narcissist, age had softened his behaviour. Seven months after our reconciliation, he took his own life — committing the ultimate narcissistic act. Unable to reconcile his once grandiose identity as a celebrated engineer with his dependence on others in his later years, he ended his life.
A Narcissist is not a Bad Person. It is a Broken Person.
J. Francois Barnard, 2004
High IQ, Low EQ
In my experience, narcissists are often highly intelligent individuals. Their above-average IQ allows them to master manipulation and subtly control situations to suit their desires. Yet, their emotional intelligence (EQ) is notably deficient. They struggle to build genuine interpersonal relationships and lack empathy, leaving a trail of fractured connections.
Inability to Maintain Long-term Relationships
A narcissist can only play "Mr. Nice-Guy" for so long. Initially, they are charismatic and charming, quickly leaving a lasting impression on new acquaintances, lovers, or colleagues. But it doesn't take long for their façade to crumble. Once the charm fades, the person is left wondering where "Mr. Nice-Guy" went — only to be met with the reality of a controlling and self-absorbed personality.
Attractive Businesspeople - for a while
Narcissists often excel in business, becoming highly successful and drawing others into their orbit. Their confidence and success are magnetic, and many are eager to work with or invest in them. However, these partnerships rarely end well. Over time, the business relationship deteriorates, often culminating in an irreparable blow-up that leaves others regretting their involvement.
Pathological Liars
To sustain their grandiose self-image, narcissists rely heavily on lies. Their fabrications are often so deeply ingrained that they believe them to be true. Confronting them about their dishonesty typically results in explosive confrontations, as they refuse to acknowledge or accept the truth.
Belittling
A narcissist's favourite pastime is belittling others, often disguised as humour. This behaviour is particularly cruel in public settings, where the humiliation stings even more.
For instance:
"Have you bumped your toe? Sorry to hear that. But it could've been worse — it could've been my toe!"
This dismissive and self-centred attitude underscores the narcissist's lack of empathy and genuine concern for others.
Malignant Self-Love
Narcissists do not suffer from their condition — they revel in it. Their self-love is malignant, not the healthy self-esteem that everyone needs. For the narcissist, the world revolves around me, with little regard for anyone else.
Not the Head, but the Neck: The Inverted Narcissist
An inverted narcissist is the counterpart to the overt narcissist. While they may appear as victims, many inverted narcissists are themselves skilled manipulators. They often use the power of the overt narcissist for their own gain. In such dynamics, the overt narcissist may think of themselves as the "head," but the inverted narcissist is the "neck," quietly steering and controlling the direction.
Miss Narcissist
The female overt narcissist is perhaps even more dangerous than her male counterpart. Though I have encountered few, those experiences still send shivers down my spine. If I were to draw examples from the Bible, the snake in the Garden of Eden and Jezebel, King Ahab's wife, come to mind.
That said, Miss Narcissist is also a broken individual in need of help. Beneath her veneer of charm and manipulation lies deep-seated pain and insecurity.
The Causes of Narcissism
When I began researching narcissism, there were few clear explanations as to why specific individuals develop NPD. More recently, the prevailing theory points to poor self-esteem from an early age, driving these individuals to overcompensate. However, the roots of NPD are far more complex.
In the handful of case studies I examined, a pattern emerged. These individuals often demonstrated above-average intelligence but experienced perceived rejection from their parents or guardians during their formative years. This early rejection profoundly impacted their self-esteem. It's as though the intelligent child intuitively recognises their potential and intrinsic worth, yet they are made to feel insignificant and devalued.
As a result, they retreat into fantasies of grandiose achievements, wealth, and universal acceptance — constructing an idealised self to escape the pain of feeling fundamentally unworthy.
The development of NPD is complex and not attributed to a single cause. It arises from a combination of biological, psychological, and environmental factors that interact during critical stages of childhood and adolescence. Here are the primary contributors:
Childhood Environment
Excessive Praise or Criticism: Children who receive excessive admiration without realistic feedback may develop a grandiose sense of self. Conversely, those subjected to harsh criticism, neglect, or abuse may overcompensate by developing a narcissistic defence to mask feelings of inadequacy.
Unstable Parenting: A lack of consistent emotional support or a parent's inability to meet the child's emotional needs can lead to feelings of insecurity. The child may develop narcissistic traits as a coping mechanism.
Conditional Love: Growing up in an environment where love and approval are contingent upon performance or achievements (e.g., academic, athletic, or social) can create a deep need for external validation.
Genetic and Biological Factors
Inherited Traits: Research suggests that genetic predispositions, such as temperament, may contribute to the development of NPD.
Brain Structure and Function: Some studies indicate abnormalities in the brain regions associated with empathy and emotional regulation, such as reduced grey matter in the prefrontal cortex.
Cultural and Societal Influences
Cultural Narcissism: In societies or cultures that emphasise individualism, competition, and material success, narcissistic traits may be reinforced and normalised.
Social Media: While not a direct cause, social media platforms can exacerbate narcissistic tendencies by rewarding attention-seeking behaviour and superficial validation.
Attachment Theory and Early Relationships
Children with insecure attachments to caregivers may struggle with self-esteem and emotional regulation, leading to the development of narcissistic defences.
Parents who are themselves narcissistic may project their unmet needs onto their children, leading to emotional enmeshment or neglect.
Trauma and Emotional Neglect
Emotional trauma, such as loss, abandonment, or exposure to domestic conflict, can play a significant role. Narcissism may develop as a protective shield to guard against vulnerability and emotional pain.
Developmental Challenges
The normal narcissistic phase of childhood development (between 18 months and 7 years) is essential for building self-esteem. If this phase is disrupted — due to neglect, overindulgence, or trauma — the child may fail to develop a balanced self-image and empathy for others.
NPD is not a deliberate choice but a maladaptive response to deep-rooted psychological and emotional wounds. While no single cause explains its development, the interplay of genetic predispositions, early life experiences, and societal influences creates the foundation for this personality disorder.
Effective treatment, such as therapy, focuses on addressing these underlying causes and helping individuals build healthier self-esteem and relationships.
Treatment and Therapy for the Narcissist
Treating a Narcissist is like tying a Bow Tie to an Angry Leopard.
J. Francois Barnard, 2004
Treating NPD is challenging but not impossible. Individuals with NPD rarely seek therapy voluntarily, as they often do not recognise their behaviours as problematic. Instead, they may enter therapy due to external pressures (e.g., relationship issues, legal problems, or workplace difficulties) or because of co-occurring mental health conditions such as anxiety or depression. Successful treatment requires patience, empathy, and a tailored approach.
Primary objectives in treating NPD
Increasing Self-Awareness
Helping individuals recognise and accept their narcissistic behaviours and the underlying vulnerabilities driving them.
Improving Emotional Regulation
Teaching skills to manage emotions like anger, shame, and frustration without resorting to manipulation or aggression.
Building Empathy
Encouraging the development of empathy to improve interpersonal relationships.
Enhancing Self-Esteem
Fostering a healthier sense of self-worth that is not reliant on external validation or grandiose fantasies.
Addressing Co-occurring Conditions
Treating underlying issues such as depression, anxiety, or substance abuse.
Types of Therapy for NPD
Psychodynamic Therapy
Focus
This approach delves into the unconscious processes that contribute to narcissistic traits.
Goal
Help the individual understand their defence mechanisms and resolve deep-seated insecurities, especially those stemming from childhood.
Techniques
Exploration of early relationships, attachment styles, and unresolved trauma.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Focus
Identifying and changing distorted thinking patterns and maladaptive behaviours.
Goal
Reduce behaviours like manipulation or arrogance and encourage healthier ways of interacting with others.
Techniques
Thought monitoring, challenging cognitive distortions, and practising alternative behaviours.
Schema Therapy
Focus
Identifying and modifying deeply ingrained patterns (schemas) developed in childhood.
Goal
Replace dysfunctional schemas (e.g., "I must be perfect to be accepted") with healthier, adaptive beliefs.
Techniques
Imagery rescripting, experiential exercises, and reparenting techniques.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
Focus
Emotion regulation and interpersonal effectiveness.
Goal
Help individuals manage intense emotions, reduce impulsivity, and build more stable relationships.
Techniques
Mindfulness, distress tolerance, and emotional regulation strategies.
Group Therapy
Focus
Providing a space for individuals with NPD to see how their behaviours affect others.
Goal
Foster self-awareness and empathy by observing and receiving feedback from peers.
Challenges
Group therapy must be carefully managed to prevent competitive or manipulative behaviours among participants.
Family Therapy
Focus
Addressing the impact of NPD on family dynamics.
Goal
Help family members set healthy boundaries and improve communication.
Techniques
Psychoeducation about NPD and collaborative problem-solving.
Medication
There are no medications specifically approved for NPD. However, medications may be prescribed to address co-occurring conditions such as:
- Antidepressants for depression.
- Mood stabilisers for mood swings or irritability.
- Anti-anxiety medications for severe anxiety.
Challenges in Treatment
- Resistance to Change: Narcissistic individuals may resist therapy due to their difficulty in acknowledging vulnerabilities or faults.
- Fragile Self-Esteem: Confronting their behaviours can trigger intense feelings of shame or anger.
- Therapist-Client Relationship: Establishing trust is crucial, as clients with NPD may challenge or devalue the therapist's authority.
Prognosis
While NPD is deeply ingrained, individuals can improve their emotional regulation, relationships, and overall quality of life with consistent, long-term therapy. The key is their willingness to engage with the process and confront the painful emotions underlying their narcissistic defences.
Therapists must approach individuals with NPD with empathy, patience, and firm boundaries, encouraging a gradual shift toward healthier, more adaptive behaviours.
A Christian Perspective from CS Lewis
I stumbled upon the following YouTube video, in which the orator quotes the Bible and CS Lewis's Screwtape Letters. I loved it, and it is worth watching to the end.
In Conclusion
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a complex and deeply rooted condition that touches many lives — whether through personal relationships, family dynamics, or societal interactions. While its origins are multifaceted and its impact profound, understanding NPD offers a pathway toward healing and growth. Awareness, education, and targeted interventions can empower individuals affected by NPD — whether they are those living with the disorder or those navigating relationships with narcissists. Ultimately, while the journey to change is challenging, it underscores an essential truth: No one is beyond the reach of understanding, compassion, or transformation.
References
American Psychiatric Association. (1994). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (4th ed.). Washington, DC: Author.
https://www.psi.uba.ar/academica/carrerasdegrado/psicologia/sitios_catedras/practicas_profesionales/820_clinica_tr_personalidad_psicosis/material/dsm.pdf
Laroche, Kaleah. (1996). Are you an Inverted Narcissist?
https://www.narcissismfree.com/are-you-an-inverted-narcissist
Mitra, P., Torrico, T.J., Fluyau, D. (2024). Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556001
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Washington, DC: Author.
Campbell, W. K., & Twenge, J. M. (2003). "The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement." Psychological Inquiry, 14(3), 145-160.
Kohut, H. (1977). The Restoration of the Self. New York: International Universities Press.
Miller, J. D., Widiger, T. A., & Campbell, W. K. (2010). "Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the DSM–V." Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 119(4), 640–649.
https://doi.org/10.1037/a0019529
Vaknin, S. (2001). Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited. Prague: Narcissus Publications.